Alrightys, so I had the Bookhouts and Alannah over last night. Basically all we did was pig out and watch movies. It was good stuff. Cept I forgot to rent a movie... so I dug out Superstar. In my opinion... a modern classic. Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell on the same screen and not wasting thier comic genius on stupid ass SNL skits... its a great plan. Unfortuntaly I can't say it got the same response from its watchers... well I think it was just Rachel really. I read her blog and she has a rather long rant about it. She was very offended by mostly the imperfections in the girl and how this obviously makes it impossible for her to become a superstar... Rachel... thats what makes it funny!

Anyway... I miss Adam... I am so pathetic eh? But I haven't talked to him all weekend and its like... *mope* I want to call him but I don't want to interrupt some sacred family picnic or something...

Alrighty well I'm gonna go get some dinner.

*Reverie*

But I'm too dumb for flattery
And I'm too stupid to be romantic
So your just gonna have to trust me
When I say that your beautiful.

And I'm sorry for everytime I look at your face
And I don't look away,
But I can't look you in the eyes..
Its so hard to admit
That when I see your face
I see the only chance I'll ever have at
Anything that resembles a normal life

But I'm too dumb not to get depressed
Over everything that happens to me
And I'm too stupid not to fall
Into this rock that I can't get out of
So I'm sorry, for everytime that I scare you
But I lose a part of me
When you look at me and look away...

But I just can't turn away
Because everytime I see you
I see the hope that I lost so long ago.

******************************************

Thats be Deconstruction of a Boy. He is like the best kid I have ever seen live. He kicks ass, but thats not all of the song but I don't want to put up some of the lyrics because I don't know if I have them right. Alright I'm goin to bed. Night yall.

*Reverie*

Sorry its been so long since an entry, bein doing various things of no importance. Dance has been good, finally I am able to do all my dances all the way through with little to no mistakes. Of course my solo is not inculded in this cause like half way through my solo I'm like X.X <<< (Dead face) but I still love it, its awesome.

School has been... crappy? Shitty? Retarded? I can't seem to find the right adjective to fully describe it and its utmost stupidity. It seems that now that I am actually doing my homework and caring I am failing all my classes. As opposed to when I slept through everything and had a steady B average... ahh the irony in life.

I seem to fall more for Adam everytime I see him. Its terrible I can't help myself. Like today he had on this huge blue shirt, he had to be swimming in the thing. His waist is like the size of my pinky. (Its okay, I find tall and lanky hella hot). But anyway, back to the shirt. I wanted to just steal it and crawl inside it. Like everytime he leaves me in his car I grab his hoodie from behind my seat and cuddle up with it. He always laughs at me when he comes back and sees it because its like 80 degrees I'm wearing pants and possibly long sleeves and I'm all folded up in his passenger seat hugging his hoodie. I don't know, I just like being with him what more can I say? I can see myself sleeping with Adam, and no I don't mean having sex I mean like napping with him or something. Of course that happy mental image I had was just broken by me thinking about the possibility of drooling on him... curse my saliva gland...

I don't know if we are going to go out... the whole age diffrence thing is really shitty. Maybe when I turn 16, I don't know. I don't want to wait that long though... Damn my impatient side. I mean I can see why he wants to wait... its just not fair. And I know, I know lifes not fair but how come for once I can just get what I want eh???

Meh... I'm hungry... Later yalls.

*Reverie*

Rachels blog has once again has brought me to write in my own. Her new post talks about how she is still in love with Dann. How she let me have him, how she could have gotten him back last summer and how she just let me have him for the greater good of the world. I don't know why I am so angry about this. I just am. The jealousy I feel when Rachel and Dann are together even if they're just standing there is about enough to blow a fuse. Even now when me and Dann are over. Its like I can't let go how much they hurt me. And yes, they did hurt me I just shut up about it, in fact I encouraged the Rachel Dann thing, kept asking Zieno when he was going to ask her out and whatever. I don't know, I theorize that if you love someone and they don't want to be with you, oh well. Let them go it will make them happy. Cept then I didn't love Dann I just liked him a lot but still. When I was with Dann I asked Rachel many times if she still liked him, had she loved him yada yada ya. Her responses were always no. I didn't completly believe her but hey, why would she lie to me about that? And I couldn't prove she still cared about Dann it was just something I knew.

I am just frustrated because I have been thinking about Dann lately. How I miss him and such and then Rachel writes about it all in her blog I don't want him back I have Adam... kinda... lol and Dann has... well... whoever I don't know, I just don't want it to be Rachel. But its like everything comes back.

Sorry I am angry.. I could go on a rant but I am afraid of saying things I will regret...

*Reverie*

Rachels blog is saddening. She talks about how love is such a waste and what not. I so don't agree. I have been in love... I think? Or maybe prolonged deep infatuation?... I'm still unsure. But anyway, it wasn't a waste at all. And yeah I did get hurt but I mean the good times out wiegh the bad a 100 to 1. I dunno, the feelings I had were so nice and happy that even though my heart was mushed into a million pieces and what not I wouldn't trade it all in. I was nice and innocent and had never been hurt before so I gave some kid my heart. Stupid? Yes. But it was still fun. As I have said before I wouldn't trade it in for nothin. But I'm not here to reminse about the past. I'm just sayin I don't know how people could actually have been in love and felt all those happy feelings and turn around and say they hate love... its silly really. Maybe I am just a glass half full type person... I dunno. And at the bottom of her blog it says her blog today was inspired by me. I dunno what I did but hey... lol

*Reverie*

Today was odd but good. :) Alright so I was hanging out with Adam 9th and we were goofin off and what not and Stephanie Doyle was talkin to us and he said somethin about me liking him and she is all asking me how old I am and crap and she was like "thats like a child/adult relationship." and I just wanted to tell her to fuck off. I mean I love Stephanie she is awesome but I am sick of hearing that from people. Its because I have a late birthday damn it... its not like a turned 15 last month or something. *curses the world* And its not fair, Becca was all WHHHEEEEHOOO JASON!! and he was 19 and Steph is semi dating Brad and he is 18 going on 19 in July. No one says anythin 'bout that, I mean really here people. Adam turned 18 like 2 months ago. He's not like some damn war verteran or something... Besides, if my parents are okay with it I don't really see how its anyone elses business.

Adam took me to Radioshack today, how romantic eh? lol But he loves his car and it makes him happy so I'm happy. And its cute seeing a guy care so much about something even if it is a car. lol And the trip wasn't a total disappointment for various reasons. =D

Well I'm outta stuffs to talk about.

*Reverie*

Today was interesting enough. Actually hung out with Dann 9th period and it was like... *twighlight music ensues in backround* I was almost tempted to molest him. I dunno I miss him sometimes. But no worries we didn't do anything.

Then Aquasylum (Dann's band) played at that damned talent show... (Note: it so wasn't worth missing dance for... then Olson wasn't even there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *curses the world*) But anyway, they were pretty good. Even though I dislike the song they played Allen Gascon kicks ASS on guitar and of course Dann was good. Then Dann came out and smashed a guitar over Rhamis head I was like whoa... cause he told me he was going to do it before they did it but I thought he was kidding.

Then I was all cuddling with Brandon cause I was hella bored <<< Note one N, as in Brandon Scutt one of my bestest friends and so cuddling with him doesn't count. lol And he pointed out Adam across the auditorium and I was like *GASP* and so I literally ran (mind you all I don't run for anyone. lol ) into the hall way and like busted through the doors on the other side and was like FELTER!!! and clung to him. Yeah, what can I say I'm crazy about that kid. I dunno, something about him... I wanted to make out with him so frickin bad... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I dunno I'm workin on it...

Well I gotsa get off...

*Reverie*

I had something to write about and I forgot... I hate that. Oh I remember now...

Okay so I was reading Rachels blog today and she talks about how all her friends are all crazy about guys and yada yada ya and how she hates it. Well I don't see the big deal in being guy crazy. We're 15... thats like... the height of guy craziness. I personally just have a desire to be cared about and cuddle up with someone. (Not that Dann really ever cared that much but I figure I cared enough for the both of us.) I don't know... as Rachel would put it its my human desire to fill the emptiness I have inside of me. Maybe thats it... I don't really know. I just like being cared about. And it doesn't happen often so when it does I get happy. hehe

I gotta go gettin kicked offline.

*Reverie*

Adam gave me a ride home today. WHEEEEEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *does happy dance* And no we didn't do anything but it was still fun. :) And be bought me ice cream so he gets extra cool points. He told me to call him to I gotta get around to doin that. I'm so lazy... and/or afraid I'll have nothing to talk about with him. Wellllllll I gotta get goin.

*Reverie*

Whhheeeeeeehooooooo today has been a very good day indeed. I finally have permission to ride home with Adam from school. *does happy dance*

I went to the movies today with Rachel and Erin. I didn't think Brad Pitt was hot until today. Or maybe just his character is hot. I dunno, Brads character was like.. the whole angry lost soul. If you know me you know I love that more than I love nachos. Which is a lot. I dunno, as Erin would put it... I love angst. Probably feeds off my desire to connect with people and my attemps to make people I care about happy so I see the whole lost soul angry at the world thing and its like... AHHH must try to make happy!!!!!!!! I dunno thats just me. lol And Rachels all like WHHEEHOOO Orlando Bloom! And its like no... he's a wimp. He ran and hid from a fight he started. What a wimp. I completly vote for Brad, like a said... he is a really hot lost soul. Rachel what are you thinking?... *sigh* lol

More later,

*Reverie*

Wow... Steph and Kyle broke up... what a shock to the system. I mean yeah I picked on them all the time and tortured them continuously but I mean, they were in love and I was just being a retard cause I dunno I hate couples. lol But even though I pissed 'em off a lot I dunno they were Stephi and Kyle they were going to go out forever dispite me and Rachels menical predictions. I mean come on... Kyle could never do better than Stephanie. Shes awesome and she cared a helluva lot for him and bought him shit and he... well he stood there... and she loved him for that. How can a guy beat that? BUTTT she has Brad still, Brad is so crazy about her and she really cares about him and he makes her laugh. So this could work well. Just give her a bit and they'll be all hookin up and life will resume. But until then its gonna suck. Damn it Kyle what the hell did you do that for? At least Brad won't be so damn retarded.

Gotta work on my project.

*Reverie*

Proms today, may we all fake enthusiaum. lol But I'm happy for the people that are going. I just reliezed today that in almost exactly 1 year I'll have my liscense. Cause I get my permit in Nov. then I gotta wait 6 months and yada yada yada. But its still very exciting. I wanna drive so bad!! Then I won't have to bum rides off people anymore. WHEEHOOOO!!!!!!! Its such a postive thing to think about.

Well I need to start working on my TKM project... *grumbles*

*Reverie*

Meh Rachel has slumped back into depression. I have noticed it like while she talks to me/is at school but have been avoiding it. I dislike when my friends are sad.

I was at lunch the other day and Derrick was talking about how he is all lonely and whatever and I told him I agreed and felt the same way. He was excessivly suprised and was like "you could have whatever guy you wanted." and whatever. I was really amuesed by this comment. Because the guys I always want have other plans and this is why I want them so badly. For example, poor "Cody". There is nothing wrong with "Cody", he is a nice guy. Makes me laugh well enough, and is relativly cute. But... I dunno I have no attraction to him.

Of course we all see what I saw in Brandonn... he's so hot... lol

Now on the other hand, for example Adam. He is hella skinny and lanky and a dork face. Why do I want him? I don't know. I just do. There is something about him I can't have. He drives fast cars and doesn't give a crap about very much of anything and somehow I have no idea how but this attracts me. And so anyway to tie this back into my original topic... a lot of girls that complain they can't get boyfriends really CAN get boyfriends we just don't want the ones we can get. Which is stupid... but we don't care. In conclusion... the female spieces is just as stupid as the male.

Well my parents are kickin me offline.

*Reverie*

Dance pictures were again today. I'm so happy my solo picture came out really well. And I gots it in a maggy net so I can put it in my locker and be like Hell yeah thats me!! Like that, hehe.

Not much to talk about today... I gotta get going,

*Reverie*

I don't even want to write about today. It sucked. Well thier were a few perks but overall... it sucked. I gotta go no time to write now... curses....

*Reverie*

Blogspot upgraded! *gasp* I'm in love, my new template is so fancyful. So yeah Brandonn read my email and he didn't think I was a freak so I was like WHEEHOO happy dance. Like that, cept a little diffrent. lol But yeah, then he made me actually say "I like you" and such cause he is a dork face. He found it very amuesing though. As Rachel put it "He was gloating, you were blushing... He wins." Ah, as Rachel relates everything back to the grand old game of life.

It was so odd today, I was watching a commercial for a movie and the movie wasn't coming out until the middle of December. It looked like a good movie though it had Will Farrell as this old guy. Its probably a family movie or something but I don't care Will Farrell is the bomb. But the point of talking about this is because the movie isn't coming out for another like 7 months so whats with the commercials? I dunno just wonder stupid things I suppose.

Out of stuffs to talk about.

*Reverie*

PS: Blogger upgrade is awesome! *does happy dance!* I already said that but I don't care.

Yeah, so I emailed Brandonn the Hoobastank song... I dunno what the hell I was thinking. He is probably going to be like WTF this girls retarded I think I should never talk to her again. And if he does, well... sucks for me. But hey I can at least say I tried.

I dunno whats going on, I just... I went for a very very long ride with my parents last night and I thought about him like... 90% of the time, and then I heard that Hoobastank song on the radio. Sadley enough that was the first time I have ever heard it. Though I knew all the words cause its in everybodys info. But I was just like... I dunno. I reliezed I was being stupid. Allannah and Megan are going to never forgive me, oh well people make mistakes. Unfortunatly, we all can't be as perfect as them. I mean I love them and all but yeah... I dunno. I like him and who gives a crap what they think. I don't know where I am going with this besides expressing my retardation so I think I'll stop now if I want to be able to have any self respect.

Stephanie on the other hand is having her own issues, which I won't talk about but it sucks. I feel so bad for her, I know what she is feeling. Cept I haven't felt that way quite that much before.

In other news... I bought flip flops at the mall yesterday. I was so excited! hehe and an invisible ink pen! WHEEHOOO. Alright, out of stuff to talk about...

*Reverie*

This weekend has been long and rather uneventful. Though I have been thinking a lot. *groan from peanut gallery* When I think for long periods of time bad things usually come out of it. Last time, I decided to go back with Adam even though things were looking up in the Clapperton department. I don't know why I did this, I still like Clapperton a lot. Unfortunatly I have these odd dreams about him, and all the stupid songs on the radio make me think of him and yada yada ya its so damn frustrating. Adam has somethin goin on with some girl in Bainbridge and I dunno whats going on, I get the vibe suddenly he doesn't want a girlfriend. But I don't want to go back to Brandonn merely on principals. I told Stephanie of my desire to email him those Hoobastank song lyrics she very muchly supported it. Even though everyone and thier brother uses that song. I dunno, I'm lost.


I have to get off for a bit, more later.

*Reverie*

Song: Flood
Artist: Tool

Here comes the water.

All I knew and all I believed
are crumbling images
that no longer comfort me.
I scramble to reach higher ground,
some order and sanity,
or something to comfort me.

So I take what is mine,and hold what is mine,
suffocate what is mine, and bury what's mine.
Soon the water will come
and claim what is mine.
I must leave it behind,
and climb to a new place now.

This ground is not the rock I thought it to be.

Thought I was high, and free.
I thought I was there
divine destiny.

I was wrong.
This changes everything.

The water is rising up on me.
Thought the sun would come deliver me,
but the truth has come to punish me instead.

The ground is breaking down right under me.
Cleanse and purge me
in the water.



*Reverie*

I know whats going on now and why everyone is sad. I'm frustrated because this shouldn't be happening. Somethings can't be fixed or changed but I feel this can. Perhaps I am the only one.

*Reverie*

I'm so lost, I'm reading peoples blogs and its so confusing... No one is on to explain either but it doesn't sound good. I don't know what's going on and I hate not knowing because I can't be there for those I love... Hopefully its not something major.

In other news I had the nicest dream today. I fell asleep looking out the window into my yard. The sun was shining, everything was very nice out. In my dream I was riding in someone's car, I can't remember now who it was. Possibly Brandonn... Anyway, we were just driving around. I was all stretched out in the passenger seat with the windows rolled down and my feet out the window. (My favoritist way to sit, hehe) The radio was all low and no one talked we were just driving around out in the country, somehow I felt the wind on my face even though it was a dream. It was so peaceful, best dream I've ever had I think.

that's all for now.

*Reverie*

I found I have been thinking a lot recently. Mostly about Tasha, when she died it made me want to change. Because I saw the big picture, and it had nothing to do with guys, or make up, or clothes. Nor was it about people who hate you one day and come crawling back the next. It wasn't about who is prettier than who or who thinks your something your not. Its about being yourself, finding people who love you for it and having a good time. The fronts people put up aren't even worth it. I told myself after Tasha died and this had occurred to me that I would try to change. Because Lord knows I can be superficial and selfish. I wanted to try and remember there are bigger problems out there than my own, people having a harder time than I. But I have found lately that as I go through the motions of my day, I am right back where I started. I'm stressing about petty things like guys, my make up, my hair... Its ridiculous. I am frustrated with myself because I haven't changed. I want to but I haven't, I keep falling back to your typical 15 year old girl with nothing of real importance on her mind. Grrr.... sorry. Like I said I am tired of my own repetition.

So anyway, today was a half day at school. My mom doesn't know we have one. So I am enjoying my few hours off in the air conditioned library. My Bookhouts weren't in school today, I missed them... I was going through reading old blogs and I was reading Rachels just now and the very first entry says she was at her friends house, found thier diary and read it. It was posted on a Tuesday night, nights she is at my house. The only diary I keep is in my bedroom in my sock drawer. So perhaps it wasn't me... unless she was in my room in my sock drawer, an uncomfortable thought. But not very important since Rachel knows pretty much everything about me. Nothin really I would feel the need to hide from her at least. Her, Becca, and Stephanie are my best friends, they know pretty much everything that goes on in my brain. Even the stuff I don't say openly. This is why I love them so much. :)

Well my hour is up. It was good to write, much love to everyone! :)

*Reverie*

Yeah, so today was.. hmm... interesting. I noticed "Cody" (name has been changed to protect the innocent) was going to ask me out so I tried very very quickly to get out of the class I was in that he is in to avoid the note giveage. Only for my attemps to be thwarted because when I came up the stairs one way he was coming the other. It was like head on collision to hell. So I see the note in his hand its like... slow mo. I want to run in the opposite direction but this would be obvious. So I try to look at my shoes but he its like "Heather..." *ignore* "Heather..." *he puts note right in my field of view. I take resentfully* The rest of the day was spent dodging him in the halls, whenever I walked in his field a view I struck up some fasinating conversation with Becca about fish and shoes. So that was the "Cody" incident.

Which is what leads to the main point of todays blog. I had pretty much forgotten about "the Cody incident", by the end of the day. But then 8th period Rachel S. comes over to me and just goes, "You should say yes." I give this very confused blank stare. This is the girl that tried to convince me I had a dream about cows and ice cream the other day, I try not to take what she says seriously. When I figure out what she is talking about I tell her I don't like "Cody", I mean... he is nice but no. And so she goes on a small spree about how if I go out with "Cody" it will prove to everyone that I don't like Dann anymore. Because and I quote here "some people think you are obsessed with him, like Ashlee is with Josh." I just about blew my cap, how could some one possibly compare me and Dann to Ashlee and Josh. I would never stalk Dann, I actually thought things had began to settle well. Looking at him still made me want to claw out his eyeballs but the hate was lessening. She decided that for me to fix this problem I should go out with some kid I don't even like, just to prove to people I probably don't even like that I wasn't some stalker. My response to this, fuck off. No, I didn't say that to her but I wanted to. I have abosolutly no intrest in Dann anymore. And never ever ever will again... ever. Are we catching on here? I mean seriously here, 2 days after we broke it off I crazy about a couple other guys. And no this doesn't make me a whore or something, I just reliezed I can do better than Dann and intend to. And you people who think I am all obsessed with Dann need to get it straight I don't give a flying fuck cause I'm seriously sick of writing about the kid in my blog.

And thats about all for now, I have to write my gym report I never turned in from like 2nd quarter.

*Reverie*

Dooo dee dooo.... I dunno how to start off todays blog. Not that I ever do but thats okay. So I guess PF (you dunno who that is? Oh too bad for you.) is doing stuff with some freshman, so we all decided we hope he gets herpes. And I know I'm being a hypocrite but I don't care. hehe

I am reading Brandonns info, its sad... I dunno who it is about or anything but it makes me want to cry. I forget guys have feelings besides horny sometimes. So touchy non cheesy infos from guys either make me real happy like or sad.

Meh gotta go had more to say but can't now.



*Reverie*

Okay, so I went to Edens birthday party this weekend! EEEEEEEEEEE happy birthday to Eden!! hehe It was fun, we played lotsa man hunt and slept in a tent outside. I loves my dancer friends bestest sometimes, thier awesome.

So yeah, I was reading blogs to catch up on what I missed this weekend. Mike stood up Becca, ass hole... Way to at least call. He probably was gelling his hair or something and forgot. I hate pretty men who have thier heads up thier asses. And I don't blame Becca at all for goin for the other guy now, man I would have dumped Mike the first time he did that, I mean at least you could call instead of just letting them figure it out on thier own after like an hour... ass hole...

I haven't talked to Adam all weekend cause he was all street racing funtabulous on Friday and then Saturday he went to the Bainbridge prom. So its like, curses no Felter to bug and poke. And Brandonn was at the races this weekend to so I couldn't bug him either.. and so... well I dunno where I am going with this I'm just complaining I think. And I'm really tired cause I didn't get much sleep last night, with all the camping and funtabulous activities.

Well I am gonna close with some loverly Our Lady Peace lyrics and thats about it.

Do you worry that you're not liked
How long till you break
You're happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake?
An ordinary boy, an ordinary name
But ordinary's just not good enough today.

Alone I'm thinking,
Why is superman dead?
Is it in my head?
We'll just laugh instead
You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate

Are you worried about your faith?
Kneel down and obey
You're happy, you're in love
You need someone to hate,
An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist
But ordinary's just not good enough today.

Doesn't anybody ever know that the
World's a subway...


*Reverie*